How to Succeed in Sports Without Really Trying



Jeremy is following Natalie toward the newsroom.

Natalie: Did you happen to read the latest edition of the "Old Gold and Black"?

Jeremy: This is what you wanted to talk about?

Natalie: Yes.

Jeremy: Then, no, I did not.

Natalie: There was a very interesting article.

Jeremy: So do I run down to my local newsstand and pick up a copy of this "Gold and Black"?

Natalie: "Old Gold and Black," and you can read it online.

Jeremy: It's a college newspaper.

Natalie: Wake Forest University.

Jeremy: Yeah, because I don't see a city deciding to distinguish itself by using "Gold" and "Black" because they felt "Times," "Post," and "Gazette" were used in abundance.

Natalie: Plus, their colors are gold and black.

Jeremy: Thank goodness for that. What about the article?

Natalie and Jeremy stop walking. Natalie spots Sally on the other side of the room speaking with several associates.

Natalie: Sally had a speaking engagement there, and they did a little story.

Jeremy: Since when do you have an interest in Sally's barnstorming tour?

Natalie continues to watch Sally.

Natalie: I liked several parts of the story. Especially the part where she said, I quote, "There will come a day when women will be leading the networks, and I intend to rise to the top of the Continental Sports Channel," end quote.

Jeremy: Aren't there women already leading the programming divisions at several networks? And isn't Donna Kendrick leading this network?

Natalie: Yes and yes.

Jeremy: She misspoke.

Natalie: Don't you get what she said?

Jeremy: That she's taking up the women's movement?

Natalie: Are you that dense? Oh, wait, I am talking to a man here.

Jeremy: Is this an attack against me or against Sally?

Natalie: She completely forgot about Dana. No mention of her, whatsoever.

Jeremy: I assume the university wanted Sally to speak about herself, her ambitions, her career, and not Dana's.

Natalie: They described Sally as quickly rising through the network. They failed to mention that she's had the same job for six years.

Jeremy: I've had the same job for four years.

Natalie: Sally also credited her willingness to be a team player for her success.

Jeremy: She is a team player.

Natalie: She's a bitch!

Jeremy: Shh... Lower your tone.

Sally doesn't notice the reference being shouted from the other side of the room.

Natalie: Don't you get it? She's rising because we are doing her work. You... you have been doing her assignments.

Jeremy: She asked me to do her a favor.

Natalie: We do all the hard work. She has her segments already laid out because we supply her with the segments. All she has to do is update the late scores, and you can train a monkey to do that.

Jeremy: I haven't seen any primates filling out applications for her job.

Natalie: Wait... here she comes. Take my lead.

Jeremy: What?

Sally walks over to Natalie and Jeremy.

Sally: Great show tonight, guys.

Jeremy: Thanks.

With the back of her hand, Natalie gives Jeremy a quick slap on his side.

Sally: Great features also. That story about Tejada was exceptional. I really would like to use it on my broadcast. I wouldn't even cut any of it down.

Jeremy: Natalie did the piece.

Sally: Well, kudos to you Natalie. Do you happen to know where-

Natalie: It's somewhere buried with all of the other tapes.

Sally: Any place specific?

Natalie: Mmm... I can't remember. The last I saw of it, it was in the control room.

Sally: Great. I'll check there. And Jeremy?

Jeremy: Yeah?

Sally: Could you do me another favor? I've got a piece that needs to be edited down-

Natalie: Jeremy's going to get started on another feature.

Jeremy: I... I am... I am, aren't I?

Natalie: Yes, you are, and we need to get started on it right away.

Natalie puts her weight behind her, and she starts trying to push Jeremy.

Sally: Natalie, you have a fabulous work ethic- always with a nose to the grindstone.

Natalie: Yeah, yeah. We've got work to do. Night, Sally.

Jeremy finally gives into Natalie's force, and she begins to shove him through the newsroom.

Sally: Good night. And thanks for your help, Jeremy.

Jeremy: You're welcome. Have a good show.

As Sally walks away, Jeremy jumps away from Natalie in obvious pain.

Jeremy: Why did you just pinch me?

Natalie: You weren't following my lead.

Jeremy: I'm letting you force me to do a feature.

Natalie: You went out on your own there. The reason Sally has a good show is because we have a good show. Don't wish her good fortune.

Jeremy: So you want me to slack off?

Natalie: Don't help her. She has her own staff. Let Sally do some work for a change.


Casey is sitting in a booth at Anthony's He has nearly finished his meal and drink. Dana walks over and slides into her seat.

Casey: Hey.

Dana: Hey, Casey.

Casey: You guys had a good show tonight.

Dana: You watched? Thank you.

A waitress comes by the table.

Dana: I'll have a glass of wine... no, I'll have... oh, just give me a beer.

The waitress nods her head and leaves the table.

Casey: I see Jason Grisham is at it again.

Dana: He just can't stay out of the spotlight.

Casey: If he keeps at it, that spotlight is going to be coming from a prison yard.

Dana: Speaking of spotlight, have you heard anything?

Casey: Nothing official.

Dana: But they've talked to you.

Casey: Just a little.

Dana: Maybe it isn't that big of a deal to them.

Casey: I was mentioned on Letterman tonight.

Dana: I thought you watched our show?

Casey: It was on the other television. You were on commercial.

Dana: What did he say?

Casey: That his 'C' average in college isn't looking that bad now; at least he has a degree.

Dana: This will blow over.

Casey: Leno last night. Letterman tonight. It's not blowing over right away. I even heard it from Lisa when I dropped Charlie back at the house tonight.

Dana: Everybody hears it from Lisa.

Casey: But in front of Charlie?

Dana: Okay, that was bad.

Casey: Charlie didn't want to talk tonight. He seemed quiet.

Dana: Which goes hand-in-hand with the no talking.

Casey: I know what's going through his head.

Dana: He'll forgive you.

Casey: What kind of example am I setting? I claimed that I earned a degree.

The waitress comes by and sets Dana's beer on the table. The waitress looks at Casey.

Casey: I'm not finished, yet. Thank you.

The waitress leaves the two alone.

Dana: Let's not talk about this anymore.

Casey: Okay. What do you want to talk about?

Dana: I don't know.

Casey: How was work?

Dana: Fine.

Casey: Isaac?

Dana: Fine.

Casey: Jeremy? Natalie?

Dana: Don't get me started on Natalie.

Casey: I found the third rail.

Dana: You know she hasn't heard from Michael in four days?

Casey: Again?

Dana: She doesn't hear from him for a week. Then they talk for several days. Now he's disappeared again.

Casey: How's his movie coming along?

Dana: Oh, who gives a damn?

Casey: He may just be extremely busy.

Dana: Yeah, like you are during your business trips.

Casey: Exactly.

Dana: You can't even trust me with what's going on.

Casey: I think this conversation has taken a turn for the worse.

Dana: Maybe Natalie was right.

Casey: About?

Dana: Men are jerks.

Casey raises his hand.

Casey: Check, please.


The following day, Dan is walking through the newsroom. He sees Kim and hurries over to her.

Dan: Kim!

Kim: Hey, Dan.

Dan: Come with me, please.

Dan takes hold of Kim's hand, and she follows him into Dan's office.

Kim: Is this a new pick-up line for women?

Dan: Take a look around.

Kim looks around the office.

Dan: What do you think? Look out the window, and then tell me what you think.

Kim: It's your office.

Dan: It's a fairly large office.

Kim: Yes, it is.

Dan: How would you like to share it with me?

Kim: Are you sure this isn't a pick-up line?

Dan: Seriously, I have some space available in this office, and I was hoping you would like to share it.

Kim: I have my own space, Dan.

Dan: But isn't this better? The view. What about the view?

Kim: It's a nice view.

Dan: It's a great view of the city.

Kim: Thank you for your offer, but I think I am going to pass.

Dan: Okay.

Dan walks over and sits in front of his laptop.

Kim: Okay?

Dan: Just don't come running back to me when you become infatuated with this office, but it's occupied with myself and one other willing person.

Kim waves off Dan and leaves the office.

Dan begins to tap a few keys. He looks confused as he stares at the keyboard.

Dan: What the...


Dana catches up to Isaac inside the newsroom.

Dana: What's the word, chief?

Isaac: Chief?

Dana: Nothing. What did you want to talk about?

Isaac: In my office.

Dana: What?

Isaac: We'll do this in my office.

A surprised Dana follows Isaac through the newsroom. As they walk by Dan's office, a voice cries out.

Dan: A little help here.

Dana and Isaac stop and look inside the office. Dan is leaving the office, but he is holding his keyboard by the keys.

Dana: What are you doing?

Dan: Someone super glued my fingers to the keyboard.

Isaac: We're you aware this was happening?

Dan: Someone put super glue on my keys, and when I started to type, I became stuck.

Dana: Somebody get Dan some solvent!

Isaac: Danny, you'll probably need some bandages after you pull the keys off.

Dan: I could live with 'A,' 'S,' 'D,' 'F,' 'J,' 'K,' and 'L' on my fingertips.


Dana and Isaac enter Isaac's office. They are surprised to see Sally standing up in front of Isaac's desk.

Isaac: Sally.

Sally: Good afternoon, Isaac. Dana.

Isaac walks over to his desk as Dana slowly walks toward the desk.

Isaac: What brings you here?

Sally: There are some issues I need to bring up with you.

Isaac: Can't you see that I'm just starting a meeting with Dana?

Sally: I'm sorry. I didn't realize that. Marcia told me that you were free all afternoon.

Isaac: It's not like I have time to play hooky, Sally. I've got plenty of things to do.

Sally: But we'll talk later.

Isaac: Yes.

Sally: Great.

Sally begins to leave the office.

Sally: It's great seeing you, Dana. You two have a good day.

Sally walks over to the door.

Sally: You want this door closed?

Isaac: Yes, please.

Sally: See ya'.

Sally closes the door. Dana looks uneasy as she stands in front of Isaac's desk.

Dana: Um... (laughs) For a minute there, I thought Sally was going to be in this meeting.

Isaac: She's not. Please, have a seat.

Dana: From your tone, I thought you were going to make a change.

Isaac: I'm not going to make a change.

Dana: I just wanted to tell you that I am very appreciative of the extraordinary efforts you took in taking the blame for the Ryder Cup coverage on the show.

Isaac: You've already told me that. Many times, to be more precise.

Dana: I still think I should have accepted some of the blame.

Isaac: None of it's your fault. Donna yelled, and that was that.

Dana: You're sure?

Isaac: Dana? It's not my job to tell you what happens behind closed doors. What I discuss with the network executives is kept in that room, unless I deem it necessary for the staff, which includes yourself, to know. I also expect that what we discuss here stays here.

Dana: Okay.

Isaac: The network is releasing a statement announcing a television deal to cover harness racing.

Dana: There's that much of a demand for televised harness racing?

Isaac: Publicly, I'm not questioning their decision. The network has qualified experts in their positions.

Dana: And privately?

Isaac: I think it stinks.

Dana: What does this have to do with my show?

Isaac: It's going to be televised live before your show once a week.

Dana: Yeah, I'm sure people are going to get excited for "Wednesday Night Harness Racing" or Thursday or Tuesday or whatever day they please.

Isaac: Here's the thing: neither one of us is currently in the position to question their decision-making processes.

Dana: I understand.

Isaac: Dana, if anyone asks about this new deal-

Dana: I'll publicly support it.

Isaac: Good. That's all I wanted to say.

Dana gets up.

Dana: We're not in good positions with the network, you and me?

Isaac: I've been in worse positions.

Dana: How much worse?

Isaac: Much worse.

Dana: Okay.


Natalie is working on some tape inside the editing room. Dan enters the room. His fingertips have small bandages on them.

Dan: I can't type.

Natalie: That's too bad.

Dan: I had to dictate to Jeremy.

Natalie: Why Jeremy?

Dan: Because he begged me for something to do to keep Sally from asking him to do an assignment.

Natalie: Good outcome.

Dan: I can't type.

Natalie: The skin will grow back.

Dan: It's only the top layer, nothing too serious. Actually, I could type, but Jeremy volunteered. He pretty much begged to do it.

Natalie: Okay.

Dan: I couldn't help but wonder who may have played a part in this. Jeremy terrified of Sally, and that little incident involving my keyboard.

Natalie: You play games.

Dan: Excuse me?

Natalie: You play games. You toy with women's emotions.

Dan: When?

Natalie: In the past.

Dan: So, this is some sort of retroactive punishment?

Natalie: It's to teach you a lesson.

Dan: I been dating Jo for a year. I've been through playing games for a while.

Natalie: You did make her take that shot, didn't you?

Dan: Hey, I recall no threats or arm twisting.

Natalie: But it was still a game. Miss the shot and win a loser.

Dan: So now I am a loser?

Natalie: Men are jerks, and it is about time some one steps up to the plate and teaches them a lesson. You don't form a bond with women, and then talk to them when it's convenient for you. We're not your little puppets on strings that you can control.

Dan: So what has Michael done?

Natalie: It's been five more days since I last heard from him.

Dan: Maybe that's a good thing.

Natalie: No, it isn't.

Dan: Because if he knew how you really felt, I'm sure he'd keep running.

Natalie: How dare you.

Dan: How dare I? I'm the one with bandages on my fingers.

Natalie: I need him to call me. I need him to send me a letter. I need him to do something, do anything, just to show he still has feelings for me.

Dan: And you're taking your frustration out on us.

Natalie: You play your games. You come back to us thinking everything is fine and dandy, when it's really not. You think you can come back and pick up where you left off. That's not going to happen any more.

Dan: You're just going to continue to dish out punishment until you hear from Michael.

Natalie: It's due justice.

Dan: It's the rants of a crazy lady.

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