Looks vs. Brains

Original Release Date: December 11, 2001

Teleplay by:
Jim Hamilton

Excerpts from:
"Three Months" by Deanna

Estimated Run Time:



Dan and Tina Lake are in the midst of a broadcast.

Dan: (on-air) ...there can't be anything worse than a bunch of angry gobblers swarming around a quarterback, as we see the Hokies collect their ninth sack of the game. With the 31-7 victory, Virginia Tech pecks their way into the race for the national championship. You may have turkey for Thanksgiving, but the Hokies are feasting on their opponents.
Speaking of feasting, we have to show some commercials so we can put food on the table. We'll continue with college football highlights when we come back.

Isaac walks into the control room.

Dave: We're out.

Elliott: Two minutes back.

Dana: Good evening, Isaac.

Isaac: Good evening, Dana.

Dana: What brings you here?

Isaac: Working legs and a pair of feet.

Dana: Besides that.

Isaac: I just wanted to check out the show.

Natalie: Because the interview went long, we're going to be over in the 50's. We may have to drop the Flames-Oilers highlights.

Dana: What are the highlights?

Jeremy: Some excellent goal-tending and three power play saves by Edmonton.

Dana: Oh. What's the score?

Jeremy: That's the problem.

Dana: What?

Jeremy: The excellent goal-tending has prevented anyone from scoring.

Dana: Two of the lowest scoring teams in the NHL have yet to score in the game? How surprising.

Jeremy: I'd like to think of it as a defensive struggle. One team's offensive woes must be overcome in order to triumph.

Dana: Isn't that what they do every game?

Jeremy: Yes.

Dana: Then until their woes are overcome, we'll drop the highlights.

Jeremy: Ah... unappreciation for the fundamentals of hockey.

Natalie: You failed to mention the 93 penalty minutes.

Jeremy: Details, details, Natalie. It is hard-hitting fundamental action.

Dana: Unless someone's head rolls off, we're dropping the highlights.

Dave: Sixty seconds back.

Isaac: I hate to interrupt Dana-

Dana: Not a problem, Isaac.

Isaac: -but why did Dan reference turkeys during the Virginia Tech highlights?

Jeremy: The hokie is a type of turkey.

Chris: I got the "gobble-gobble" sound bites.

Will: I got an animated turkey to run across the monitor.

Isaac: That's all nice, but there is one problem.

Dana: What's that?

Isaac: A hokie is not a turkey.

Dana: What?

Jeremy: They were known as the 'Gobblers' before they became the Hokies.

Isaac: Yes, they were the 'Fighting Gobblers'- only because the football team was notorious for gobbling up food. Hokie is a made-up name.

Dana: But Dan has already done that segment.

Isaac: I saw.

Dana: He used Jeremy as a reference.

Isaac: I know.

Dana: We're going to be getting phone calls.

Isaac: I suppose.

Dana: That's not good.

Isaac: Think of it like this: we received feedback for messing up the chant for Texas A&M, we'll be receiving feedback for referencing Virginia Tech as poultry.

Dana: We're sounding like idiots.

Isaac: Yes.

Jeremy and Elliott are doing a search on their laptops.

Jeremy: Dan's going to need to reword the 'Question of the Night.'

Dana: Why?

Elliott: He uses a poultry reference to Virginia Tech.

Jeremy: You're reading what I'm reading?

Elliott: Yeah.

Dana leans into the microphone.

Dana: (into microphone) Danny- no more turkey references.

Dave: Back in 5, 4, 3, 2...

Dan: (on-air) We're back. Joe Bullard, Kelvin Ferguson, and Tony Hines are standing by with some analysis of today's college football games.

Bullard, Ferguson, and Hines appear on a monitor over Dan's shoulder. Dan turns toward the monitor.

Dan: (on-air) Gentlemen? Is Virginia Tech for real, or are they just getting plump enough to be slaughtered and placed on Miami's dinner plate in a couple of weeks?

Joe Bullard: Virginia Tech did look impressive today...

Dave: Back in three minutes.

Dana shakes her head.

Dana: Danny- you need to stop calling the Hokies a bunch of turkeys.

Dan: Why?

Dana: (into microphone) Because a hokie is not a type of turkey.

Dan: Who says?

Dana: (into microphone) Isaac.

Dan: Are you sure?

Dana: (into microphone) Pretty sure.

Dan: Jeremy told me it was a type of turkey.

Dan pulls off his microphone and heads toward the control room.

Isaac: What's he doing?

Natalie: He's coming this way.

Dan enters the control room.

Dan: Then what is a hokie?

Isaac: An attention-getting name created using someone's imagination.

Dan: Oh, hi Isaac.

Isaac: Good evening, Daniel.

Dan: Jeremy?

Jeremy apologetically shrugs his shoulders.

Dan: Are you sure?

Sam walks into the control room.

Sam: You're supposed to be at the anchor desk.

Dan: We've got two minutes and change.

Sam: You know a hokie is a hybrid of a turkey and, in fact, was the product of someone's imagination

Dan: So, it's true?

Sam: It's a made up name. They use a turkey as a reference because the team was once known as-

Dan: They were the 'Gobblers.' I already know that.

Sam: Then why did you use the reference?

Dan: Because Jeremy told me to.

Jeremy: It was my mistake.

Sam: Jeremy was your source?

Dan: Yes.

Sam: Jeremy- what school did you attend?

Jeremy: UCLA.

Sam: Did anyone think of contacting someone affiliated with Virginia Tech and asking them "What exactly is a hokie?"

Nobody answers.

Sam: Verify the facts, people. Your telephones are not just paper weights and places to stick notes. In fact, I think you may have been able to use your computers and check the internet. You know, your computers, that big box-like thing that has a screen.

Dana: We've got it, Sam. We're sorry.

Sam: And everyone knows the chant at Texas A&M?

"Gig 'em Aggies!"

Sam: Okay.

Sam smiles and leaves the control room.

Dan: Jeremy, you're my boy.

Jeremy: I know.

Dan: I trusted you in confidence.

Jeremy: I know.

Dan: You're not a nerdy as I thought.

Jeremy: We all have our shortcomings.

Dan: I don't know if I can rely on you in the future.

Jeremy: You're going to need to change the 'Question of the Night.'

Dan: Why?

Jeremy: You have a turkey-Virginia Tech reference.

Dan: Um...

Jeremy: How about this? During the 1990's who blocked the most kicks in college football?

Dan: Who?

Jeremy: I'm trying to help you out here.

Dan: Wait. Virginia Tech, right?

Jeremy: And they currently have eight this season.

Dan: What source did you use?

Jeremy: I just downloaded a copy of their media guide.

Dan looks over the counter and onto Jeremy's screen.

Dan: Redemption, my boy. Redemption!

Dan hi-fives Jeremy then runs back to the studio.

Dana: Chris, Will? You guys got that.

Chris: We'll have it ready.

Dan jumps into his chair and puts on his microphone.

Tina Lake: Are you all right?

Dan: We may have fumbled the ball, but we are coming back with a winning touchdown!

Tina looks at Dan.

Tina Lake: Remind me not to speak to you.

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