How to Succeed in Sports Without Really Trying

Original Release Date: October 2, 2002

Written by:
Jim Hamilton

"Place Your Vote!" Result:
With the possibility of Sally getting a promotion,
should the crew continue to do an excellent job?

Estimated Run Time:



The "Sports Night" crew works from inside the control room.

On a monitor, Kelly Kirkpatrick is seen standing inside a dimly lit stadium. She firmly holds her microphone as she finishes her report.

Kelly (on-air): ...and we'll see how quickly the Braves can recover from their opening loss. Game 2 is set for tomorrow here in Atlanta. Reporting from Turner Field; let's throw it back to the studio.

Bobbi (on-air): Thank you, Kelly Kirkpatrick. For complete coverage of the baseball playoffs and World Series, continue to stay with CSC...

Dave: Over to Louie.

Will: V.O. 41 ready.

Chris: Chyron 42 on stand-by.

Will: Where's 40?

Chris: It's right there.

The network feed shows Dan. Chyron 40, his name, appears at the bottom of screen.

Dan (on-air): Today, Trailblazers power forward, Jason Grisham, posted bail in Portland and had a preliminary hearing set for next Tuesday. The oft-troubled, well-traveled player was arrested last night outside of a Portland night club after having an altercation with several plain-clothes police officers. Published reports say the fight stemmed from an argument...

Dana (into headset): Let me hear Boston. Just me.

Elliott walks into the control room.

Elliott: Johnson made it through the eighth.

Jeremy: What's the score?

Elliott: 4-2, Diamondbacks.

Elliott walks over to the side room. Dan's voice is heard throughout the room.

Dan (on-air): ...officials from the Trailblazers declined to comment, but they expect him to report to mini-camp next week. The NBA won't make a decision on a possible suspension until the case has been resolved...

Natalie: Men are jerks.

Dana: Grisham is certainly something.

Natalie: Actually, I'm just making a general statement.

Dana: That men are jerks?

Natalie: Yes.

Dana: You do realize that we are surrounded and outnumbered by these supposed jerks?

Natalie: I express what I feel. I say what I know. I speak the truth.

Natalie stands up from her chair.

Natalie: Men are jerks!

Elliott reenters the control room.

Jeremy: I couldn't help but overhear your statement- since I'm like two seats away from you, Natalie- and I'm just wondering if you were implying that I -

Natalie: Yes, I am implying.

Jeremy: Implying that I am also a jerk.

Dana: That is what she said. (into headset) Preview 47.

Elliott: There's nothing worse than a woman scorned, Jeremy.

Jeremy: Was it something I did?

Natalie: Something every single one of you do.

Chris tries to reply, but Will stops him and shakes his head "no."

Dana: You know, there is no need to be going over this.

Jeremy: I know nothing about it.

Dana: I've been hearing about it all day.

Jeremy: But I still know nothing about it.

Dana: I've been hearing about it all day. If everyone hasn't noticed, we do a little thing here called a sports show. Let's concentrate on that.

Jeremy: I know nothing about these accusations-

Dana (into headset): Let me hear Tracy in Phoenix.

Jeremy: -and yet, I stand accused of something.

Dana: Jeremy, we stopped listening to you a while ago.

Natalie: If Jeremy didn't hang around Sally all day, maybe he would know what's going on.

Dana: Don't encourage him.

Jeremy: First of all, I didn't hang around Sally all day. Also, for the record, I did some assignments for her.

Dana: I'm not keeping notes, so there is no record. (into headset) On chyron 49, is Shakelford spelled with 'e'-'l' or is it 'l'-'e'?

Will: It's 'e'-'l'.

Chris: With two 'l's.

Will: One 'l.'

Chris shows a notepad to Will.

Chris: See? It's two 'l's.

Will: That's hand-written.

Chris: I didn't write it.

Natalie: Elliott? Which is it? One or two 'l's?

Jeremy: It's one 'l.'

Natalie: I asked Elliott.

Jeremy: I'm just trying to help.

Dana: Guys.

Natalie: Elliott's looking it up.

Jeremy: I can't be that much of a jerk if I am attempting to help you after hearing such slander.

Dana: Guys?

Jeremy: Yeah?

Dana: 49 has come and gone. It's history. Move on.

Dan and Bobbi are at the anchor desk.

Dan (on-air): ...and if we can't analyze this enough, we'll analyze the Ryder Cup once more when we get back.

Bobbi (on-air): Plus, Tracy Heller will update us from Phoenix about the Diamondbacks and Cardinals. You're watching "Sports Night" on CSC. We'll be right back.

The red light goes off above camera two. Crew members start walking through the set. Alyson comes over to the anchor desk and does some touch-up work on Bobbi.

Bobbi looks over her notes, while Dan pushes his chair closer to her.

Dan: I've been seriously thinking about it, and I really wouldn't mind if you would like to share-

Bobbi: I'm perfectly fine inside my own office, Dan.

Dan: You can look out and get a great view of the city from my window.

Bobbi: I don't need a view of the city.

Dan: This is New York.

Bobbi: I know.

Dan: New York City.

Bobbi: I recognized that when I rode in on the big, shiny train today.

Dan: I'm just saying that if you ever wanted to look over and catch a glimpse of this wondrous city-

Bobbi: If you are that lonely in your office, you could always buy yourself a dog.

Dan: I don't need a dog. I am just offering you a section, a piece of my office.

Bobbi: Thank you, but no thanks.

Alyson goes over and uses a lint and hair roller on Dan's jacket.

Dan: Alyson? Wouldn't you like an office with a view of the city?

Alyson: Yes.

Dan: See? Not all of us take for granted the masterpiece that is the New York skyline.

Alyson: I'd just settle for a drawer in a desk. Or a locker.

Dan: You're not helping me here.

Alyson: Okay.

Alyson finishes with Dan and leaves the anchor desk.


Back inside the control room, the crew continues to work during the commercial break.

Natalie: Dave, how much time?

Dave: A minute and change.

Natalie: I need to check something. You'll be all right, Dana?

Dana: Yeah. The show's almost over.

Natalie takes off her headset, pushes away from the control board, and starts to leave the room. Jeremy notices Natalie exiting, and he is concerned. Jeremy starts to leave, but Dana gently grabs Jeremy by the arm.

Dana: She's trying to work through it.

Jeremy: Okay.

Even after the warning, Jeremy gets up to leave.


Natalie is standing at her desk and on the telephone.

Natalie (into phone): Hey, it's me again. It's 11:54 here, which makes it 8:54 over there. I'll be leaving work shortly, so you can reach me at home. Love you.

A tear comes to Natalie's eye as she hangs up the phone.

Natalie looks up and notices Jeremy standing there.

Jeremy: What's going on?

Natalie: Nothing.

Jeremy: Are you sure?

Natalie: Yeah.

Jeremy: Okay.

Natalie: Remind me that I need to talk to you about something.

Jeremy: Is it about this?

Natalie: No. It's something else. Remind me to tell you.

Jeremy: When?

Natalie: Later.

Jeremy: When later?

Natalie: After the show.

Jeremy: There's only five minutes left.

Natalie: We've got to get back from commercial.

Natalie walks by Jeremy. Jeremy turns around and watches Natalie walk toward the control room.


Back inside the control room...

Dana: How come I can't hear Jack?

Chris: There is no Jack.

Dana: That's what I'm saying.

Will: And what we're saying-

Dana: Fix it.

Chris: But-

Dana: I'll kick your ass. I'll kick both of your asses.

Chris and Will glance at each other and start adjusting knobs and pushing buttons.

Dana shows her frustration by throwing her arms into the air, unaware of Jeremy and Natalie sitting back down at the control board.

Dana: And where's Natalie and Jeremy?

Natalie: We're right here.

Dana looks surprised as she lowers her arms.

Dana: Oh. Right.

Elliott enters the control room.

Elliott: 5-2, Diamondbacks in their half of the eighth.

Dana: How come I still can't hear Jack?

Elliott: What's Dana talking about?

Dana: Jack.

Jeremy: Jack's already done for the night.

Dana: But I still have him down-

Natalie reaches across, scratches something out on Dana's notepad, and smiles at Dana.

Dana: Okay.

Natalie: My bad.


Back at the anchor desk...

Dan (on-air): there is a lesson to be learned for the winning Ryder Cup team. There is no 'i' in team, but there is an 'i' in victory. (pause) Bobbi.

Bobbi (on-air): Let's go to Tracy Heller outside of Bank One Ballpark in Phoenix for an update on the Diamondbacks and Cardinals. Tracy.

Dave: We're out.

Chris: 60 seconds back.

Dan continues to bug Bobbi at the anchor desk.

Dan: I shared the office with Casey for a number of years.

Bobbi: Yes, you did.

Dan: And it was the right size. It accommodated us nicely.

Bobbi: And how is Casey?

Dan: He's doing fine.

Bobbi: Good.

Dan: As I was saying-

Bobbi: Let's not talk about it anymore.

Dan backs away.

Dan: All right. I can do that.

Bobbi: I appreciate it.

Dan takes a glimpse at Tracy Heller on a monitor off the set.

Dan: Just hang around the office for a few hours. Get a feel for it before you make your final decision.

Bobbi: Okay.

Dan: Great... hold on. You don't seem excited.

Bobbi: I am excited.

Dan: You don't look it.

Bobbi: Will you stop bugging me if I am excited?

Dan: Yes.

Bobbi: Then I'm excited.

Bobbi gives a sarcastic smile.

Bobbi: Yipee. Rah-rah.

Dan: Ah... now I don't know if I want you sharing my office.

Dave (over intercom): Back in 5.

Dan straightens his papers out.

Bobbi (on-air): Thank you, Tracy. You can catch all of the highlights from this game, all the other divisional playoff games, plus the latest scores and highlights on the "West Coast Update," which will be shown at 11 P.M. Pacific.

Dan (on-air): That's going to do it for this edition of "Sports Night." I'm Dan Rydell, and for Bobbi Bernstein and the rest of the gang, have a good night.

The crew inside the control room continue to wrap things up.

Will: Roll credits.

Chris: Roll sound.

Dana: Good show, everybody.

Jeremy: Natalie, I'm reminding you.

Natalie: I remember.

Dave: We're out.

Jeremy: You asked me to remind you five minutes ago.

Natalie: I remember that also. Come with me.

Jeremy follows Natalie as the rest of the crew leave the control room.

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